婚姻的迷思 The Myth of Marriage

       

        

(本文刊載於國度復興報 2015年3月8日)          

       無論東、西方，關於愛情的書籍、歌曲、戲劇或電影，多得不勝枚舉。舉凡莎翁名劇「羅密歐與茱麗葉」、中國文學名著「紅樓夢」、經典愛情電影「亂世佳人」、「鐵達尼號」、瓊瑤的愛情小說和電視劇等等，而流行歌曲，更是一大半是情歌。「愛情」這個主題，似乎永遠談不完也聽不膩！因為在每一個人的心靈深處，都渴望「愛與被愛」。

        Whether in the East or West, there are countless books, songs, plays, and movies about love. Like Shakespeare's famous tragedy "Romeo and Juliet", Chinese Literature's famous masterpiece "Dream of Red Mansions", the classic love movies "Gone With the Wind", "Titanic', and Chiung Yao's love stories and television dramas, etc., as well as pop music, half of which are all love songs. "Love" is a theme that seemingly never has enough said about it and never gets old! Because in deep in everyone's mind, we all long to "love and be loved".

       然而，渴望愛又怕受傷害，是常見的矛盾情結，現代人的「恐婚症」比例和「離婚率」不斷攀升，年輕人的不婚、不生，有時確實急壞了父母親。記得上次去北京旅遊時，我在中山公園瞧見了一幅令我感到驚奇的景象：當時，在公園河邊一整排的楊柳樹下，擠滿了人群，我好奇地沿著河畔向人群走去，沿途看見許多中老年人坐在小板凳上，每張板凳前方的地面上，都貼著一大張紙，我仔細觀察那些紙上究竟寫些什麼，突然恍然大悟，原來這是「相親大會」！每張紙上都寫著自己孩子擁有的條件，和希望對象具備的條件，清楚列出包括學歷、面貌、房子、薪水、身高……等的要求。現場大多是未婚男女的爸爸媽媽，急切地為自家子女尋找對象。雖然親眼目睹熱鬧滾滾的「相親大會」，覺得很新奇有趣，但卻伴隨著另一種感嘆，深深感覺到，選擇另一半像在選「商品」一般，讓人不禁納悶，這樣將人「物化」的婚姻，會幸福嗎？

        However, the desire for love and the fear of getting hurt, is a common ambivalence. Nowadays, marriage phobia and divorce rates are on the rise. Young people don't marry, don't have kids, truly gives parents anxiety. I remember last time I went on a trip to Beijing, I saw a scene at Zhongshan Park that surprised me: At that time, underneath a row of willow trees on the river in the park, was packed with people. I curiously walked toward the crowd by the riverside. Along the way I saw many older people sitting on benches, stuck on the ground in front of each bench was a large sheet of paper. I closely examined those papers to see what was written exactly, when suddenly I realized, it was a "Blind Date Convention"! Each paper had written their child's characteristics, and the characteristics their child desired in a partner, clearly stated, including education, appearance, housing, salary, height, etc. requirements. A majority of the people on-site were the dads and moms of unmarried children, eagerly searching for spouses on behalf of their son or daughter. Although I witnessed a lively scene at the "Blind Date Convention", thinking it was new and interesting, but at the same time I felt a kind of lament, deeply feeling like selecting your other half was like selecting "merchandise", making people unable to help but wonder, are people in this kind of "materialistic" marriage going to be happy?

       前陣子看了一部頗受好評的電影「控制」(Gone Girl)，這部電影充滿懸疑的氣氛，男主角尼克在結婚紀念日的早晨，發現妻子愛咪無故失蹤，從人間蒸發。 原本一切線索都指向尼克是冷血的殺妻兇手，最後其實是妻子精心設計的騙局。這部電影描述了一段變調的婚姻關係，而且正如電影的中文譯名「控制」，點出了整部電影的核心，就如片中的台詞，尼克：「我們在一起不會快樂的，只會控制彼此，互相傷害、憎恨。」 愛咪：「但這就是婚姻。」當我聽到這段對話，突然閃過一個念頭：如果我還沒結婚，聽見這樣定義婚姻，早就嚇壞了，還有誰敢結婚？

        
        I recently saw a critically acclaimed film "Gone Girl". This film is filled with an atmosphere of suspense, the male protagonist Nick discovers on the morning of his wedding anniversary that his wife Amy disappeared with no explanation, vanished into thin air. At first, all clues point to Nick as being the cold-blooded murderer of his wife, until later it was shown to be his wife's elaborate hoax. The film depicts a shift in tone for marital relationships, and as the Chinese translation of "control" for the film's name points out its central theme, so too do these lines from the film: Nick: "Yes, I loved you and then all we did was resent each other, try to control each other. We caused each other pain." Amy: "That's marriage." When I heard this dialogue, a sudden thought flashed through my mind: If I wasn't married yet, and heard this definition of marriage, I'd be frightened, who still dares to get married?

       說來有趣，結婚超過十年之後，有時會被人好奇地問到：為何能和另一個人相處這麼久，難道不會失去愛的感覺嗎？換句話說，我想這個問題就是那句老話「婚姻是愛情的墳墓嗎？」我覺得其實從某個角度來說，「婚姻才是愛情的開端」，這種感觸，是我結婚超過十年之後，才漸漸體會到的。

        Interestingly enough, after over a decade of marriage, sometimes I'll be asked by people: How is it that you are able to be with another person for so long and yet not lose the feeling of love? In other words, I think this question is just like the old saying "Is marriage the tomb of love?" Actually, I feel as though, in a certain sense, "marriage is the beginning of love", such are the feelings that I've only begun to slowly experience after over ten years of marriage.

        有一個關於婚姻的比喻，非常貼切，那就是婚姻好比「拼圖」，每一小片拼圖都有不同的凹凸缺口，在拼圖的過程中，必須不斷地翻轉、調整一片片拼圖的方位，直到每片拼圖的缺口彼此相合，最終完成整幅圖畫。

 There is a metaphor about marriage which is quite apt, and it is that marriage is like a "puzzle". Every little piece of the puzzle has different bumps and gaps, and in the course of piecing it together, we have to constantly flip, turn, and adjust each puzzle piece's position until every puzzle piece notches together, finally completing the entire picture.

      這個拼圖的過程，就像實際的婚姻生活，兩個來自不同家庭背景的人，沒有任何一方是完美的，為了要使自己和對方的生命圖畫更加完整，需要時常地彼此磨合，這個磨合調整的過程通常並不浪漫，甚至很不愉快，距離所謂的「浪漫愛情」似乎很遙遠。如果我們在婚姻裡，把焦點放在愛的感覺上，這樣的婚姻很難走得長久，因為「憑感覺」是不牢靠的，就像海中的波浪，忽上忽下，變化莫測。

The puzzle process is just like actual married life, two people from different family backgrounds, neither side of which is perfect, in order to make their own and their partner's life picture more complete, need to frequently "butt heads" with each other. This "break-in" adjustment process is often dull, almost unpleasant, and seems far removed from so-called "romantic love". If we are in a marriage, and place focus on the feeling of love, this kind of marriage will be difficult to sustain, because those "feelings" are not solid; they, just like waves in the ocean, have ups and downs, and change unpredictably.

      在婚姻「拼圖」的調整磨合中，隨著時間的推移，你愈能發現，愛的感覺只是愛情的某一個面向，原來愛情的元素絕非只停留在愛情感受上，愛情還包括許多看似不浪漫，卻是更深入的層次，除了最基本的彼此信任，還有彼此包容、彼此饒恕。正如聖經所教導的「愛的真諦」：愛是恆久忍耐，又有恩慈，愛是不嫉妒……凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐，愛是永不止息。深信如此深度的「真愛」永不失敗，是婚姻成功的秘訣！婚姻生活正是培育「真愛種子」的最佳場所。

        During marriage's "puzzle" adjustment phase, as time goes on, the more you realize the feeling of love is just one side of it, and that the original element of love is certainly not the only thing encompassed by experiencing love. Love also includes much of what is seemingly unromantic, because it is on a deeper level, and aside from basic mutual trust, there is mutual tolerance, and mutual forgiveness. As the Bible instructs us for "the true meaning of love": Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy...it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres. Love never fails. Conviction that such a depth of "true love" never fails, is the secret of a successful marriage! Married life is the best place to nurture "the seed of true love".

       我曾經認為，很少女生不愛甜言蜜語，不愛鮮花禮物，不愛讚美之言。平日對待女生，就應該嘴巴甜一點，多讓步一些、多幽默一些，這麼容易就可以讓女生很開心，為何不做？這也曾是我對我老公的不滿與疑問。舉一個生活實例來說，當我用心為家人煮一頓豐盛晚餐，我和孩子們常吃得津津有味，但我先生則是好吃就說「還可以」，覺得不好吃時，甚至不吃！之前，我都會為此生氣，但漸漸地，我體會到「真實」的可貴，給彼此空間，表達真實的感覺，何嘗不是一種愛的表現？我也發現自己的度量變大了，我不再因為老公沒有大大誇獎我煮的菜好吃，而吝嗇讚美他煮的餐點，我很喜歡吃他煮的海鮮燉飯，以及地中海風味的麵食。對我來說，他煮的一頓愛心晚餐，甚過無數句甜言蜜語。我逐漸感受到，愛情的表達有很多方式，許多事用嘴巴說還算簡單，用行動來表達才真正迷人。

        I once believed that girls who don't love sweet nothings, or flowers and gifts, or words of praise, are few in number. The daily treatment of women is to speak kindly, to concede more, to be more humorous; if such simple things can make women happy, why not do them? This was also once my dissatisfaction and doubt toward my husband. Take a real life example for instance, whenever I put a lot of effort into preparing a hearty dinner for our family, the kids and I often eat it with gusto, but my husband, even when it's delicious, just says "it’s alright", and when he doesn't think it tastes good, he won't even eat! Before, I would always be angry because of this, but gradually, I appreciated the value of "truth", giving each other space to express true feelings, how is that not an expression of love? I also discovered my tolerance greatly increased. I would no longer be stingy with praise for his meals because of his lack of praise for mine, I really like eating his seafood risotto, as well as his Mediterranean pasta. As far as I'm concerned, he cooks a meal from the heart, which is more than any number of sweet nothings. I began to feel that there are many ways to express love, many things can be spoken with the mouth, but that's simple; action is the only truly charming way to express love.

       因著相同的信仰，我和先生擁有不少相同的價值觀，但在性格上，我們之間有許多差異。那些差異豐富了我們的生活，讓我們學習用不同的角度看事情，但也造成不少生活中的衝突與爭執。由於他重視原則和紀律，我重視感受和彈性，所以尤其在教養孩子的事上，就容易產生磨擦。有時候，我會感到很委屈與不被瞭解，每當這個時候，我就會逃到天父的懷抱裡，向天父哭訴，並將我的困難和問題交託給祂。上帝真的很奇妙，祂總是垂聽禱告，祂會更新我和先生的生命景況，祂會安慰我們受傷的心，讓我們從那些看似不愉快的爭執中，學習更多彼此包容、彼此認識、彼此相愛，因為天父上帝是愛的源頭，當我和先生更多親近神，很自然地，我們就能得著更多從神而來的「愛的力量」！

        Because of our shared beliefs, my husband and I have many of the same values, but in character, there are a lot of differences between us. Those differences enrich our lives, letting us learn to see things with a different perspective, but they also cause a fair amount of conflict and discord in our lives. Because he emphasizes principles and discipline, and I emphasize feelings and flexibility, it's easy to generate friction, especially on matters of raising children. Sometimes I'll feel frustrated and misunderstood. Every time this happens, I would run to our Father's arms, crying out to our Father, and entrust Him with my difficulties and problems. God truly is wonderful. He always hears our prayers. He renews mine and my husband's life circumstance, He comforts our wounded hearts, and allows us to, from those seemingly unpleasant disputes, learn even more about tolerating each other, understanding each other, and loving each other. Because God the Father is the source of love, when my husband and I are closer to God, naturally, we're able to get even more of "the power of love" that comes from God!

       婚姻中的夫妻關係，絕非彼此「控制」，而是神賜給彼此的「禮物」，連那些 婚姻生活中的難題、紛爭，都是「禮物」的一部份，為了要使雙方的生命視野更加拓展、更加遼闊，共同拼出一幅絕美風景！

        The relationship of husband and wife in a marriage, is definitely not one of mutual "control"; rather, it is a "gift" given by God to each other, whereby even those married life problems and disputes are all just one part of the "gift", so that both side's life perspective is more expanded, and more vast, together piecing out a beautiful scenery!

作者:譚亞菁 Dec. 18, 2014

Translated by Parker Gadbois